The Bachelor
Season 17 Premiere (8pm, ABC)
Which attention-hungry maniac will Sean Lowe choose to break off his engagement with a few months down the road?
The Biggest Loser
Season 14 Premiere, Part 2 (in its regular time period of 9pm, NBC)
Because there's always leftover chili and mayonnaise pie.
Switched at Birth
Season 2 Premiere (8pm, ABC Family)
Fun fact: Each episode of this teen-focused family soap is named after a classic work of art!
Bunheads
Season 1.5 Premiere (9pm, ABC Family)
Watch star Sutton Foster break the world record for speed-talking three times in the premiere of this charming drama from the creator of The Gilmore Girls.
Deception
SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, ABC)
Meagan Good stars as a detective who goes undercover to find out the truth about her childhood friend's death in this soapy drama that's basically Revenge without the fun.
Vanderpump Rules
SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, Bravo)
The lady who owns Giggy deals with the drama of owning a restaurant and saying ridiculous things.
Tuesday, January 8
Pretty Little Liars
Season 3.5 Premiere (8pm, ABC Family)
Hot kids get tormented by other hot kids.
Betty White's Off Their Rockers
Season 2 Premiere (8pm, NBC)
The elderly rise up against their youthful oppressors through prank warfare.
The Lying Game
Season 2 Premiere (9pm, ABC Family)
ABC Family's block of teaching teens to be terrible people continues with this drama based on an armful of fibs.
Cougar Town
Season 4 Premiere (10pm, TBS)
Courteney Cox's sitcom makes its debut on its new channel, where it will be allowed to be raunchier and drunker.
Africa
SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, Discovery)
The colorful wildlife of the untamed continent is hunted by HD cameras in this latest from the patient cameramen of Planet Earth and Life.
The Joe Schmo Show
Season 3 Premiere (10pm, Spike)
After nine years away, the fake reality show where everyone's in on it except for one dude returns. This time, fake contestants are fake competing to be fake bounty hunters.
Justified
Season 4 Premiere (10pm, FX)
Handsome Raylan Givens (handsome Timothy Olyphant) is back to say some more awesome things at bad guys right before he shoots them.
The Burn with Jeff Ross
Season 2 Premiere (10:30pm, Comedy Central)
Oh, so he's going by just "Jeff" now. Watch the roast master as he almost gets in fights with strangers after he calls them names.
Wednesday, January 9
Stars in Danger: The High Dive
SPECIAL (8pm, Fox)
Hahaha. Oh man.
The People's Choice Awards
AWARDS SHOW (9pm, CBS)
Hollywood's most hollow award will be handed out to whatever Justin Bieber tells his Beliebers to vote for.
Washington Heights
SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, MTV)
Nine twenty-somethings from New York try to make it big. Bigger than having their own MTV reality show.
Thursday, January 10
1600 Penn
Regular Time Period Premiere (9:30pm, NBC)
Josh Gad stars as the most annoying character on television in this sitcom about the president's family in the White House. NBC previewed the pilot of this ho-hum comedy last month. If you missed it, watch it on
NBC's site.
Kathy
Season 2 Premiere (10pm, Bravo)
Apparently Kathy Griffin has a talk show.
Friday, January 11
Banshee
SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, Cinemax)
An escaped con steals the identity of a small-town sheriff, plus boobs and violence. Produced by True Blood's Alan Ball.
Sunday, January 13
The Golden Globes
AWARDS SHOW (8pm, NBC)
Celebrities show up for free booze. Hosted by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
Shameless
Season 3 Premiere (9pm, Showtime)
It's like Parenthood if the Bravermans weren't such pussies.
Girls
Season 2 Premiere (9pm, HBO)
Lena Dunham is the voice of her generation, and that voice says, "Let's be naked or talking to each other while peeing ALL THE TIME."
Enlightened
Season 2 Premiere (9:30pm, HBO)
New Age crazy lady Amy Jellicoe keeps things uncomfortable as she battles to tear down her corporate employer in this thought-provoking parody of everything.
House of Lies
Season 2 Premiere (10pm, Showtime)
Don Cheadle talks directly into the camera a bunch and lots of sex and stuff in this fast-talking hustling dramedy about a rogue consultant firm.
Californication
Season 6 Premiere (10:30pm, Showtime)
In Season 6, Hank Moody writes a musical with his druggie rockstar friend.
Monday, January 14
The Carrie Diaries
SERIES PREMIERE (8pm, The CW)
This prequel to Sex and the City follows a young Carrie Bradshaw in the 1980s and features plenty of classic '80s tunes butchered by today's no-name artists who won a contest or something to get their sound heard on a CW show. Also, shoes.
Continuum
U.S. SERIES PREMIERE (8pm, Syfy)
A hottie cop from the future warps to the past to hunt down anti-corporate terrorists in this solid sci-fi drama. Have you illegally downloaded this already?
Being Human
Season 3 Premiere (9pm, Syfy)
The best North-American-produced drama about a werewolf, vampire, and ghost sharing an apartment in Boston on television.
Lost Girl
Season 3 Premiere (10pm, Syfy)
Syfy keeps the trading line for science-fiction shows between the U.S. and Canada strong with this drama about horny succubi.
Tuesday, January 15
Face Off
Season 4 Premiere (9pm, Syfy)
This fun reality competition show has weird contestants put goop and paint on models' bodies. What body modifications will judge Glenn Hetrick show up with this season?
Wednesday, January 16
American Idol
Season 12 Premiere, Part 1 (8pm, Fox)
Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey claw each other's hair extensions out while aspiring pop stars sing at them.
Ghost Hunters
Season 9 Premiere (9pm, Syfy)
Maybe this is the season they'll find a ghost?
Ghost Mine
SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, Syfy)
Another ghost show. This one looks at "the intersection of the dangerous and back-breaking work of gold mining and paranormal investigation," which is an intersection I did not know existed.
Workaholics
Season 3.5 Premiere (10pm, Comedy Central)
Hopefully you have enough time to re-up your bong stuffers and crappy beer stash for this funny thing.
Kroll Show
SERIES PREMIERE (10:30pm, Comedy Central)
Comedian Nick Kroll (The League) gets his own sketch show, and it's going to be weeeeeeeird.
Thursday, January 17
American Idol
Season 12 Premiere, Part 2 (8pm, Fox)
Wannabe rockstars fight with Mariah Carey's ego for attention and lose.
Anger Management
Season 2 Premiere (9pm, FX)
This documentary series follows Charlie Sheen as he womanizes and acts like a jerk. (Edit: I have been notified that this is actually a scripted show.)
Archer
Season 4 Premiere (10pm, FX)
Find out why you get ants in this thought-provoking and genital-stimulating animated series about a depraved spy.
King of the Nerds
SERIES PREMIERE Season 4 Premiere (10pm, TBS)
A reality show in which those of the geekier persuasion battle it out for the honorary title of "King Nerd Neverlaid."
Suits
Season 2.5 Premiere (10pm, USA)
A lawyer and a non-lawyer do some lawyering together in this drama about lawyers.
Legit
SERIES PREMIERE (10:30pm, FX)
Australian comedian Jim Jefferies (mind the extra 'e') stars as himself in this politically incorrect comedy about a man who's trying to not be such a screw-up.
Totally Biased with W. Kamau Bell
Season 2 Premiere (11pm, FX)
It's like The Daily Show, but less daily.
Newsreaders
SERIES PREMIERE (midnight, Adult Swim)
This newsy spin-off of Childrens Hospital is a spin-off of Childrens Hospital so it's going to be funny.
Friday, January 18
Real Time With Bill Maher
Season 11 Premiere (10pm, HBO)
For that one dude out there who watches Real Time With Bill Maher. You're welcome, one dude!
Saturday, January 19
An Idiot Abroad
Season 3 U.S. Premiere (9pm, Science)
Ricky Gervais's knucklehead buddy continues to prove Darwin's Survival of the Fittest theory wrong by traveling around the world and not dying.
Stuff You Should Know
SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, Science)
Chuck Bryant and Josh Clark turn their podcast into a TV show.
Ripper Street
U.S. SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, BBC America)
This BBC mini is set six months after the murders of Jack the Ripper and follows some coppers as they deal with copy-cat murders and the possibility that Jack may be back.
Sunday, January 20
Kourtney & Kim Take Miami
Season 3 Premiere (9pm, E!)
As far as I'm concerned, they can HAVE Miami.
Monday, January 21
The Following
SERIES PREMIERE (9pm, Fox)
Do you like serial killers? Do you like the power of social networks? Then you'll love this bloody drama about an FBI agent (Kevin F-wording Bacon!) who tracks down a group of serial killers that was cobbled together online by one of modern day's most notorious and tech-savvy serial killers.
Tuesday, January 22
The Taste
SERIES PREMIERE (8pm, ABC)
This primetime cooking show is different from other cooking shows because the judges will taste the food before meeting the chefs who whipped it up. After that, it's just like every other cooking show.
The Ultimate Fighter
Season 16 Premiere (9pm, FX)
Grown men beat each other up to satiate the population's need for violence and maintain the subordination that is necessary to keep the dream of capitalism alive.
White Collar
Season 4.5 Premiere (10pm, USA)
Matt Bomer is in this.
Wild Things With Dominic Monaghan
SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, BBC America)
Charlie from Lost goes on paid vacations and plays with creepy animals.
Wednesday, January 23
Necessary Roughness
Season 2.5 Premiere (10pm, USA)
Contrary to what I believed would happen, this drama DID get renewed so I guess we have to keep on watching the weekly stories of a woman who is a therapist for a football team.
Thursday, January 24
Incredible Crew
SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, Science)
A presumably incredible crew of six young'uns pulls pranks, performs bits, and more in this sketch-comedy show from Nick Cannon.
Project Runway
Season 11 Premiere (9pm, Lifetime)
The latest edition of the fashion war learned that tinkering with the original formula led to disaster. Oh wait, it didn't. This year, the contestants will be thrown into teams!
Friday, January 25
Spartacus: War of the Damned
Season 3 Premiere (9pm, Starz)
Is it the third season? Or is it the fourth season? Does the prequel season Gods of the Arena count? Or do we say that was a little side trip? All will be revealed in War of the Damned!
Monday, January 28
Dallas
Season 2 Premiere (9pm, TNT)
This remake of your grandmother's favorite primetime story returns one Ewing down, as star Larry Hagman passed away halfway through filming Season 2. R.I.P., J.R.
RuPaul's Drag Race
Season 5 Premiere (9pm, Logo)
A bunch of hot ladies strut around and compete in sexy challenges. I've got my eye on the tall muscular blonde!
Wednesday, January 30
The Americans
SERIES PREMIERE TV.COM PICK (10pm, FX)
Keri Russell and Matthew Rhys play way-deep-undercover KGB agents living in 1981 America during the height of the Cold War and the Great Carpal Tunnel Syndrome that sprung from the popularity of the Rubik's Cube.
Thursday, January 31
Do No Harm
SERIES PREMIERE TV.COM PICK (10pm, NBC)
A talented surgeon shares a body with a deranged hedonist in this Jekyll-and-Hyde drama that's as fun as it is completely ludicrous.
Friday, February 1
House of Cards
SERIES PREMIERE (TBD, Netflix)
This political drama starring Kevin Spacey as a politician looking to move into the White House is the future of television, ladies and germs. The entire first season will be released at once, on Netflix. I don't know about you, but I'm watching the finale first.
Sunday, February 3
Super Bowl XLVII
SPORTS! (6:30pm Eastern/3:30pm Pacific), CBS)
Watch Peyton Manning win his first Super Bowl with the Denver Broncos as the donkeys beat the San Francisco 49ers 23-17 if you're sober enough.
Monday, February 4
Rules of Engagement
Season 7 Premiere (8:30pm, CBS)
Really? Only seven seasons? It seems more like 3,692 seasons.
Monday Mornings
SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, TNT)
This show that follows the professional and personal lives of doctors in Portland is sure to be all the rage among doctors in Portland.
Tuesday, February 5
Smash
Season 2 Premiere (9pm, regular 10pm slot after, NBC)
The new season of the musical drama returns without characters Ellis, Dev, Frank, and Michael, not to mention showrunner Theresa Rebeck, who left to pursue other projects. Yep, everything was just fine with the show in Season 1.
Body of Proof
Season 3 Premiere (10pm, ABC)
Dana Delaney stars as a former surgeon turned medical examiner in this procedural that I can't believe is still on the air.
Tosh.0
Season 5 Premiere (10pm, Comedy Central)
Broken bones, various states of nudity, and pus mixed together for 30 minutes. It's this generation's America's Funniest Home Videos.
Thursday, February 7
Community
Season 4 Premiere (8pm, NBC)
No Dan Harmon, half a Chevy Chase, and it will still probably be the best network comedy on television. Welcome back, AbedTroyJeffAnnieBrittaShirleyPierceDeanChang.
BrandX With Russell Brand
Season 2 Premiere (11:30pm, FX)
Rambling from some British guy with a superiority complex. Season 2 will be extended to an hour each episode.
Friday, February 8
Touch
Season 2 Premiere (8pm, Fox)
Martin comes back for another season of intensely staring at his son Jake who is doodling something about reuniting someone on the other side of the world with their long-lost teddy bear that jogs some memory about their father.
The Job
SERIES PREMIERE (8pm, CBS)
This reality show hosted by Mrs. Les Moonves lets contestants compete in challenges for their dream job at their dream company. I can't think of a more deserving way to employ people than to see who can best other strangers in office-related tasks. "Johnson, that paper-clip chain is outstanding! You're hired!"
Sunday, February 10
The Walking Dead
Season 3.5 Premiere (9pm, AMC)
If someone were to create Zom-B-Gone, a cleaner that easily removes stains created by messy zombie brainings, they would be a post-apocalyptic millionaire!
Talking Dead
Season 2.5 Premiere (10pm, AMC)
Semi-famous people talk about The Walking Dead.
Monday, February 11
Inside Comedy
Season 2 Premiere (11pm, Showtime)
The second season of Showtime's stand-up standup documentary kicks off with featured interviews with Louis C.K. and Bob Newhart.
Wednesday, February 13
Survivor: Caramoan
Season 26 Premiere (8pm, CBS)
People still be Survivin' yo. This year it's fans vs. favorites in the Philippines.
Southland
Season 5 Premiere (10pm, TNT)
Cops doing cop things like protecting, serving, and racial profiling. This season adds Chad Michael Murray, mom. (She's a huge One Tree Hill fan.)
Thursday, February 14
Zero Hour
SERIES PREMIERE (8pm, ABC)
Conspiracies are theorized in this new thriller starring Anthony Edwards as the author of a skeptics magazine who gets caught up in a conspiracy of his own. And this one goes all the way to the top! Probably.
Comic Book Men
Season 2.5 Premiere (9pm, AMC)
Dudes in a comic-book shop sit around and talk about comics while trying to sell or buy comics in this show about comics (and comic-related memorabilia).
Freakshow
SERIES PREMIERE (9:30pm, AMC)
This docu-series follows the family that comprises the Venice Beach Freakshow, a consortium of weirdos.
Immortalized
SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, AMC)
A reality show about taxidermists because of course we need a reality show about taxidermists.
Sunday, February 17
The Amazing Race
Season 22 Premiere (8pm, CBS)
Another season of people running around the globe and not even taking the time to soak in the local culture. Americans, am I right?
Tuesday, February 19
Cult
SERIES PREMIERE (9pm, The CW)
This meta thriller about super-obsessed TV fans re-enacting horrific acts from their favorite show and the rogue investigators trying to get to the bottom of what's going on could either be deliciously campy or utter garbage.
Friday, February 22
Out There
SERIES PREMIERE (10:30pm, IFC)
This is a trippy animated series featuring monster-ish kids going through adolescence, with an awesome voice cast that includes Fred Armisen (Portlandia), Megan Mullally (Childrens Hospital), Linda Cardellini (Freaks and Geeks), John DiMaggio (Futurama), and Pamela Adlon (Louie).
Sunday, February 24
The Academy Awards
AWARDS SHOW (7pm E/4pm P), ABC)
How many awards will Here Comes the Boom take home? Seth MacFarlane hosts for some reason.
Tuesday, February 26
Golden Boy
SERIES PREMIERE ("special advanced preview" at 10pm, CBS)
Brit Theo James (Bedlam, Downton Abbey) stars as a hotshot rookie cop who shoots up the ranks to become New York's youngest police commissioner. And it has Chi McBride in it!
Wednesday, February 27
Boston's Finest
SERIES PREMIERE (9pm, TNT)
Real Boston cops are at the center of this reality series that puts cameras in the faces of everyone from rookie beat officers to SWAT team members.
Psych
Season 7 Premiere (10pm, USA)
The upcoming season will feature a musical episode and episodes based on Clue and The Blair Witch Project.
Thursday, February 28
The Ben Show
SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, Comedy Central)
Comedian Ben Hoffman goes on different excursions, like forming a band or auditioning for a TV show, each week. With, I assume, hilarious results.
Nathan For You
SERIES PREMIERE (10:30pm, Comedy Central)
Comedian Nathan Fielder uses his business background to give advice to business owners and other professionals. And hopefully it's funny advice!
Sunday, March 3
The Celebrity Apprentice
Season 13 Premiere (9pm, NBC)
This year's all-star cast features such top-notch folks as Stephen Baldwin, Claudia Jordan, Dennis Rodman, and Lisa Rinna. Is this The Celebrity Apprentice or is it a collection of God's greatest creations?
Red Widow
SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, ABC)
A wife and mother of three becomes a Russian gangster after her mafia husband is murdered!
Vikings
SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, History)
History makes its own history with its first scripted series about the pillaging bearded drunkards of Scandinavia.
Friday, March 8
Fashion Star
Season 2 Premiere (8pm, NBC)
Project Runway is to Nordstrom, as Fashion Star is to TJ Maxx.
Grimm
Season 2.5 Premiere (9pm, NBC)
There are monsters in the world! And there are dudes who kill them! Nick Burkhardt, a Portland cop, is one of those dudes. These are his stories.
Golden Boy
Regular Time Period Premiere (9pm, CBS)
Look at CBS doin' the advanced preview thing!
Monday, March 18
Dancing With the Stars
Season 16 Premiere (8pm, ABC)
See the description for The Celebrity Apprentice but just add "dancing" in there somewhere.
Bates Motel
SERIES PREMIERE (10pm, A & E)
A prequel to Psycho that give us Norman Bates' backstory, from executive producers Carlton Cuse (Lost) and Kerry Ehrin (Friday Night Lights). Ree ree ree reeeeeeeeeee
Tuesday, March 19
Celebrity Diving
SERIES PREMIERE (8pm, ABC)
See the description for Stars in Danger: The High Dive but just add "AGAIN ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" in there somewhere.
Monday, March 25
The Voice
Season 4 Premiere (8pm, NBC)
NBC's life preserver returns for more oversaturation, but Christina Aguilera and Cee-Lo Green are taking the season off. They'll be replaced by Shakira and Usher. Will racist shut-in Dorothy Jenkins, 57, of Duluth, Minnesota notice? Find out on this season of The Voice!
Revolution
Season 1.5 Premiere (10pm, NBC)
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG I can't wait for this! I bet that helicopter killed them ALL.
Sunday, March 31
Ready for Love
SERIES PREMIERE (8pm, NBC)
This matchmaking reality show moves into the technological age by letting the women of America Facebook-stalk three eligible bachelors.
Call the Midwife
Season 2 Premiere (8pm, PBS)
This drama is set in 1950s England and is based on the memoirs of Jennifer Worth, London's Heavyweight Midwifing Champion who beat the Russians in the 1952 Midwife Bowl.
Game of Thrones
Season 3 Premiere (9pm, HBO)
After you've had your fill of hardcore midwifing, settle into this easy-going drama about families quarreling in a land of fantasy. There be dragons and walkers of the white and wolves of dire ahead! And a finale that will force at least 15 people to kill themselves.
Wednesday, April 3
How To Live With Your Parents (For the Rest of Your Life)
SERIES PREMIERE (9:30pm, ABC)
A divorced mother of one adorable little girl is forced to move back in with her hippie parents, and wouldn't you know it? They clash!
Wednesday, May 1
The Family Tools
SERIES PREMIERE (8:30pm, ABC)
A man takes over his family's handyman business while his father (who started the family handyman business) makes fun of him.
