Forget Ilithyia and Glaber. In Friday's bloody Spartacus: Vengeance finale, we met the biggest monster of them all: Lucretia. The bloodthirsty Roman went off the deep end in more ways than one, and only an oracle of the gods could have foreseen her insane actions.
But more on that later.
By comparison, the rest of the violence in the episode seemed downright rational. The early loss of Mira provided the necessary fire under Spartacus' gladiator-toned butt to start getting his crew off the mountain, but not before Naevia finally paid back Ashur in blood for his betrayal that sent her from the House of Batiatus. His number was up anyway, since Ilithyia had framed him with Seppius' death-bringing cuff, earning Glaber's displeasure. In the finale's climactic battle, lives were lost on both the Roman and fugitives' side, but most importantly, Spartacus had the pleasure of sending Glaber off to the afterlife.
This brings us back to Lucretia, who went on a killing spree and then took Ilithyia's newborn baby so she and "her" child (provided by the gods, natch) could... topple off a cliff together, joining her dear-departed Quintus in the afterlife!
Yup, Lucretia is no more.
Bring on the nunchakus and Bruce Lee! The stars of Spartacus pick their weapons and wingmen
When you recover from the shock, let's move on to the blood! Here's a breakdown of the finale's most heinous "Ew!"-inducing highlights:
1. Yes, war is brutal, but we were still freaked out when Mira was felled by an ax in her neck and chest, causing gallons of dark blood to gush out. At least it was a quick death, but we wish it were a more elegant one, considering the thankless job she had of loving the emotionally unavailable Spartacus.
2. Lucretia's stabbing frenzy of the slave Amara. Isn't one clean cut enough? This isn't a frozen dinner; the steam does not need to vent!
3. Avenging Oenomaus' death, Gannicus takes his own Flying Squirrel Monkey leap at the Egyptian and takes out a wedge-shaped chunk from his head. Pie, anyone?
4. Even though Lucretia's attack on Ilithyia takes place off-screen, just the implication -- that she' using a freshly-blooded knife to give her pal an impromptu Caesarean -- is enough to give us the willies. Later, when Ilithyia drags herself across the dirt, we couldn't help but wonder what state her womb was in. (Idaho, perhaps?)
5. "It's no easy task to cleave a man's head from his shoulders in a single blow," Naevia told Crixus. No joke! Naevia was hacking away at Ashur's neck as if she were a lumberjack wielding a butterknife. With each increasing amount of daylight peeking through the gaps between head and body, we hoped that last bit of flesh would give so the head would just fall off already.
6. There's an art to sword-swallowing, and Glaber sure hasn't perfected the skill... and he never will! After exchanging a few choice words (Freedom! Rome!) with the praetor, Spartacus lovingly propped up Glaber's chin with his sword hilt and then proceeded to feed him three feet of already bloodied metal, "spitting" him on the sword. Thanks, we'll pass on this BBQ.
