So, we open this week's Jersey Shore with Vinny and Snooki returning to the house after their solo jaunt, and Pauly and Deena immediately pounce with their questions. Did you make out? Was there any sexual tension? Apparently not. They just played pool. Pauly still isn't impressed though! "Don't think you can just take my man on dates," he warns Snooki. "Stop trying to get in my man's pants!"
Whatever happened on their 'date', Snooki's exhausted and heads off to bed. As does Sammi. And Ronnie. And JWoww. Deena's not happy. "Why even have a shore house if you're just going to sleep?" Adding to her disappointment is the fact Joey isn't coming out tonight. Oh well, she'll have to make do with an MVPD night with the boys at Jenks.
Blast from the past! The group bump into Angelina, but apparently don't hang around for pleasantries. Pauly and Mike are too busy, anyways, having both found possible DTF ladies. Mike's particularly pleased with his efforts this evening, telling us: "I'm just so good with women there definitely should be a butter named after me because I'm so smooth."
Unfortunately for him, his smooth talking doesn't guarantee a good end to the night. His lady gets back to the house, dons his track bottoms, gets under the duvet… and announces she just wants to cuddle or talk. "It's now or never," he warns. "Situation don't do appointments for next time." Pauly isn't faring much better either. Thinking he'd hit the jackpot with a sexy Italian girl from New York, he has to send her packing when he discovers her "friend of the month" is around: "Bye bye and take your tampons with you."
The next morning Mike comes over all generous and orders in breakfast for everyone. His generosity even extends to the delivery boy, tipping him a protein shake. "In the guido world protein is like money… I'm giving out protein powder. I'm trying to better your life."
JWoww, however, has bigger things to think about than breakfast. It's her one-year anniversary with Roger which means a visit to the local sex store to pick up some supplies for her rose petals and bondage-themed redecoration of the Smush Room.
All this couple talk, however, isn't doing it for Pauly and Vinny. Too many people in the house are in relationships. "It's like couple's retreat," laments Pauly. "I feel like I need to be in a relationship to be in this house." They decide the only option is to fight the coupledom, which means moving the bed out of the Smush Room in a bid to foil JWoww's romantic night. "Ew, I just got pregnant," says a grossed-out Vinny when he touches the mattress. "I'll have some of Mike's babies on my chin."
In the end, it's a pretty inconsequential prank. JWoww moves the bed back, decorates it with rose petals and various sex toys, and gets it all done in time to answer the door bell. "Every time you answer the door you look more naked than last time," says the arriving Roger.
Before the happy couple get to try out the room, however, everyone's off for a big night out at Karma. But not before they mock Vinny's dress choice of jeans, plaid shirt and sunglasses. "Where is your tan Vanilla Ice?" says Pauly. "Your sister was nice enough to give you her whole outfit? Shoes and all?" Ronnie chimes in with, "When I'm cooking tonight can I use your shirt as the BBQ mat?" Even Roger gets a piece of the action: "I loved you in The Dukes of Hazzard."
Off to Karma and there's drama brewing for Deena. She's beginning to wonder whether her friends are right about Joey. They've been telling her he isn't the right guy for her (even Ronnie got in on the action) and she broaches the subject with him at the club. Is he using her for sex or does he like her? He thinks her questions are annoying and walks away. Poor Deena. She's over him and embarrassed but tells us she can "never win" with guys.
But that drama is nothing compared to what Mike has planned. The basic gist is he's called Unit to come down to Karma that night where they will both reveal to Jionni what allegedly happened between Mike and Snooki. "She tried to play me like a chess piece," says Mike. "She has to get her medicine."
And could he have picked a more awkward night? Jionni's MUM AND DAD are at Karma! Dancing and drinking with Snooki! The Unit's just arrived and the reveal could go down any minute! Or not. Snooki takes one look at The Unit and hightails out of the club with Jionni. Mike's undeterred, though. On to Plan B. Follow them home. The truth will come out some time, or the truth according to him, anyways.
Or not. Is there a Plan C? The Unit is drunk. Really drunk. So drunk, in fact, that he gets stopped by the police, handcuffed, and taken away to sober up. "I can't catch a break," says a disappointed Mike. "Every time I try to drop the bomb on Jionni something happens!"
There's only one thing for it. He's going to have to tell Jionni himself. And could the timing be better? The next morning he stumbles across Jionni alone in the kitchen while Snooki is still in bed. Mike asks him to step outside for a quiet word. "I want to make this as quick and painless as possible," he begins...
And we'll have to tune in next week to see what exactly happened next.
